The endless hours keep me up and the caffeine has my mind whispering wonders. Tonight I asked myself a question I have once asked myself a few years ago. Only because I've been caught off guard as the truth has prevailed such deep connection of the souls counterpart. What am I afraid of? What do I fear? My characteristics hold no connection to such thought however... Deep, very deep hides a missing piece. A piece of answer to what it is I fear. A piece to my mystery of which so many are curious about. Let me clear my throat and mind. For failure, how it burdens my beating heart. And as I ache to overcome this it dwells so heavily causing me to run, sometimes even from the best things. I run so I can fly and I run for my own safety. I fear to fail upon my truest passion in life, which is and has always been, love. For its meaning is my reason to breathe. I usually end up alone at the end because I choose to. I put myself through these situations which have molded me into this random, free and always moving woman. Straining my strength in ways that I test the capacity of chaos I can emotionally, mentally and spiritually take. Yet this wall that has triggered such controlled contentment and this shy secret, is tired of trying to understand this, feeling. As fear has caused much loss and has done damage to those around me. I am conscious and I am aware and as the strong and passionate woman I have become, for that I am forever thankful. I yearn to fear no more. Finally, I pause. For the first time, I have stopped and rest with no movement, no existence of time. Just this once, the perfect being in my eyes, has come into my life. And the first heart beat is born. Unexpected, dreamlike and as fearful as I, how I feel stronger and more alive to love with or without failure, with every emotion one can ever encounter, regardless the fear- we are in battle together. A battle for love. I want this more than ever and my all is all I have to offer. I'll be fearless until love dies.
Los Angeles, CA
May 12, 2010
