It has been four days since my return from traveling Colombia, Panama and Costa Rica. I can describe my experience perfectly with one word, Magical.
In my mind I told myself I would write a piece to share the excitement and experience of this trip with everyone as soon as I came home but as soon I wanted to write, I felt nothing until now. You see.. in my eyes, nothing changed spiritually, mentally or emotionally while I was gone but myself. And although I feel as if I have been away for ages, every living thing is just as it was when I left.
There is a calm strangeness that comes with ending a journey, and some say it's "reality" but I agree not. I'd like to think reality is reality, away from home or traveling and some how it all entwines just with different elements. This belief unfolds gently before me day by day and I have embraced it all, now that I am back.
Within the four days of being home, the same questions have been asked about my trip, "How was it? Did you meet anyone? What did you do? What was it like?" and then the following question shortly after my story telling "What are you going to do now?"... And still I feel nothing but more indifferent and alone in my own hometown than I did when I explored foreign countries. After every trip I have ever been on in my life, this feeling has become so familiar and I have wondered, why. Is it because I have traveled quite a bit and I know there's so much more than what I come back to. And every time I return, I hold myself up as not to fall into a pool of heartless humans. I may be harsh but hey, it's how I feel.
I have connected to the understanding, that this feeling is the reason why I always leave, I continue to be truly in love with the spark of movement, with the life of traveling, wondering in a wanderlust of beauty, exploring places only one can imagine in their most wildest wants and connecting with souls who are on the same journey as I am. You see, I live to only feel alive constantly. I live to feel that energy of being so connected with myself and my surroundings that I find myself always wanting to fly away into the sunset and wake with every sunrise. This is my reality.
I am a believer that with every action there is a reaction and everything in life happens as it will, sometimes with our control but many times without. Before this most recent trip, I left a life I no longer wanted in Los Angeles. I left a life I felt nothing for, anymore. I felt an deep urge, to be my true self again and I was willing to do whatever it would take to "feel" once more. I had to make some of the most challenging choices I have ever had to make and at the end of it all I came to a conclusion "be free or forget".. I chose to be free.
I let it all go in a matter of 3 weeks yet the emotion had built up for a good amount of time prior. My thoughts were clouded at first but I knew the truth would prevail some way, some how as it always does. So, I let go of it all. I let go of a long term career with a company in which I once lived and worked so hard for, to be independent on my own again. The lease of my apartment term came to an end and I chose not to renew or move to another apartment but instead I invested in a ticket to another country, sold ever piece of furniture I owned and only kept a few boxes of clothes, shoes, jewelry, camping and outdoor gear, artwork, my 18 journals of writing, some books and all my collects from all my travels. And last, I parted ways, in not the easiest of ways with a partner in whom I built a love felt empire with for two years. Letting go is hard to do but happiness is most important.
And then I left, just like that, just as I always do, just to "feel" again.
Today, I sit under the sunshine, taking in this summer morning, gathering thoughts of it all. On my trip I met many amazing individuals, so beautiful and so captivating, fearless to live by thrill and some few I have shared a deep connection and love with like never before. And on my trip, my eyes met many views so dream like yet so true. I felt the wind at its strongest and the rainfall at it's purest. I felt enlightened and inspired every waking day whether I woke on the beaches of Colombia covered in gold glitter sand to the crashing of waves on giant bed rocks in sync with a symphony of joy or to the singing of exotic birds while I lay relaxed at peace, full off of the finest chocolate while resting in my bungalow hidden in the jungle of Costa Rica during the midst of a lighting storm. And now, being back in the hustle of LA life, surrounded by expressive art, the busy city vibe and a rapid flow of energy. From the rooftop lounges to the soft breeze trickling through sky scrapers, there is nothing so bright like these city lights. Most importantly, to feel the warmth which fills my heart as I reconnect with sweet friends and my loving family who await me. This is my reality.
Being back this time around is slightly different. I have come back a better and brighter soul. I find my feelings to be a bit mixed, camouflaged quietly within my surroundings, happy at heart yet torn to the idea that traveling and good byes are never easy but prepared myself for the bitter sweetness of it. Knowing "we" will always have this "feeling" to what are now the new memories that will forever float my mind. It is all so well worth it as I sit looking up to my favorite color, the sky.
Until I leave again.
July 29, 2014
