I stood slightly in the dark, hoping to find a light within my heart but instead I felt the hurt and twist of emotional and the physical ache and the pain of losing what I hoped to one day, love and hug. My body clenched almost every other second and I could feel the cramping force me to lose my breath over and over again as if the hours of this excruciating pain would never end. Time passed so slowly. And then, I just knew that was it, I reached between my legs and felt a pressure push out of me, my hand covered in bright red blood there it was, my little bean in the palm of my hand. With an open hand, I felt a sense of calm in the moment of nonstop chaos. I felt that this little fetus which once filled me with warmth and love and forgiveness during our connection together became a gift in disguise. And now, as this small and lifeless baby has left my body it left me with the hope to never give up. It left me with the desire to reconnect with my love, self love, my forgiveness, self forgiveness, and life worth but mostly my self worth. For a brief moment, I lost time and I looked at my palms, I looked at what I loved and new nothing of but only knew that I would one day love again and love with all the strength and hope I have in my beating heart.
March 8, 2016
Los Angeles
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